Letting Go and Letting In at Long Beach

As two months of breathing room and space to find sanity comes to an end, I find myself in Long Beach screaming at the ocean.

I was determined that after making the most of the 2 months that were all mine, I would (with fond memories) let the time go. Along with that I would also let go of the pain, resentment, guilt and just damn fed up'ness, that I took on in the year prior. So here I stand screaming at the ocean as I let it all go......making room for the new.  I left home so that I could leave it somewhere else. I chose the ocean because it calms my soul. Feeling small, humbled and renewed is encouraging. It's feeling His promise without any distractions.

After allowing many tears that have been buried in pain yet draped in joy, I vow to accept what was - is - and now can be. I feel as if my heart is waking up and being set free to settle in where it's meant to be. I've allowed this to surface, and by choice, invited Him in to do some fixing. I can then guard my heart knowing that it's not rooted in a fleeting past or tied to an identity that I once claimed in error. Strongholds now gone, I work to build back up what's solid.

I Have a Threenager

Three years ago today I paced the halls of Swedish Hospital anxiously awaiting a little girl that I knew would rock my world (ok: I waddled the halls keeling over as each painful wave of contractions hit). No matter the amount of books read, websites perused or classes attended – I could not have been prepared for what this incredible vibrant little person would do to my heart. How she would shape my world, expand my mind and change EVERYTHING.

Cora Marie at 7 pounds 4 ounces came into this world wide eyed and silent …… happy, healthy and hungry, yet as content and peaceful as could be. She wrapped her perfect wrinkly fingers around mine, looked into my eyes right through to my soul, and latched onto my breast, where she stayed for nearly an hour. Focused on satisfying a need and listening to her Mothers heartbeat, while forming a bond that could never ever be broken. To date – THIS is my favorite, most memorable and accomplished moment in my life.

Three years later she is still wide eyed, happy, healthy and yes - hungry. Silent? NO :-) While I still satisfy her needs, those needs have changed dramatically as she learns to pursue, provide and consider all in life for herself. The bond remains tighter than ever and I know always will, as she satisfies my needs in return. She still looks through my eyes into my soul, while clutching my hand for comfort. The days are chaotic and filled with her laughter, tantrums, silliness and sass, that come through one liners, a smarty pants attitude and brilliant observations of the world around her.

Yes, I definitely have a threenager. She is busier, sassier and stronger willed than most while constantly keeping me on my toes. She wears my patience, test my limits, and takes until I have no more to give…..although I always do. During these days (that I’m aware will soon pass) we navigate a life together as Mother and Daughter, building a new home. We continue to learn from each other, love on each other, and drive each other crazy :-) Throughout it all I see her heart …….. her huge, compassionate, warm heart, in the little body that she will soon outgrow. I feel blessed. I feel satisfied, and yes – my world is rocked.

Happy birthday my sweet girl.

 

33 WILL Kick Ass

I think I am 32. Yet I may be 33.

Yes, this seriously happens once you turn thirty .... and I'm not quite sure if this is due to actually getting older (onsetting memory loss), or due to the craziness of life that often increases in your thirties: a demanding career, busy little kids and a lot of wine (just to survive it all). None the less, it happens.  It took me a few yet I've determined (ok my Mother did) that I'm 33 this year and with that I'm determined that 33 will kick ass. It must. Actually to make up for 32, I think I need at least the next 3 years to kick ass.

So far so good as this one starts with quality peeps surrounding me. 33 has already brought incredible experiences that include new beautiful sights, unforgettable moments and great convos over time well spent with family, friends and a new man that's come into my life.

Along with a wonderful fem family celebration, I was pleasantly suprised with a road trip through the picturesque Cascade loop. I have to say this trip is a must for Northwesterners'. For all. It opened my eyes to so much overlooked beauty right here in our backyard that I needed a reminder of. That along with perfect company made the experience the best birthday gift I could have asked for. Leavenworth to Winthrop to Lake Diablo to Coupeville.....I sat back, took it all in, and enjoyed the ride. Cheers to kicking ass.

 

 

 

 

Who Moved ALL my Cheese?!

They say.... change is the only constant. Change strengthens you, it grows you, and it stresses you the hell out. True story.

How did I get here? When exactly were the defining moments in all these changes and why did I think it was a good idea to "choose" them - or at least accept them? ...... this question has crossed my mind at least once a day, for the past 6 months. There are days I ask myself "did I literally just go off the deep end without realizing it?" I swear between devotion, self-help books, small group, journaling and ladies+wine+bs therapy - I am still clear headed.....whatever that means.

It all seemed to just happen. Over time of course, yet now looking back it feels as if overnight I was thrown into a different life....one I chose I guess - wait that's not right - just thrown out of one I no longer choose ..... that feels a lil' more accurate. Whew. Still what the hell? I'm uncomfortable, tired and lacking enthusiasm about this new start. All my cheese has been moved, I've directed it, and now I sit back craving good ol' normal cheddar in the place I've always found it. Sigh..... here we go.

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." -- Lao Tzu

To-Do:

adjust my thinking....

• Approach dealing with change as a process. Dealing with change is not like an electric switch that is either on or off. It is like baking bread. There are many steps and ingredients. Both baking bread and dealing with change take time.


• Reframe the way you think about change. Choose to give positive meaning to life changes. Even if you've never moved your furniture, you still have the hair style you wore in High School, and you always the same lunch, you CAN thrive on change.


• Breathe and be flexible. Prepare to move with the changes because they are going to happen. No one's life is free of change. And you wouldn't like it if it WAS!

Easier said than done? Maybe. Add some Internet strategy and I'm on my way ...... or so "they" say.

A New Year ~ A New Focus

Yes. I'm a lil' late in announcing my New Year resolution.  Not because I haven't been thinking on however, quite the opposite. I have been waiting for, anticipating, desperately craving the New Year and what's to come along with it. To be more precise - what I am going to bring to it.

We've all heard the tag line "A New Year - A New You" too many times to count and I want it to be clear that I am not looking for a new me in 2014. I'm all about living it up with the old me. I've put a lot of time, heart, energy and prayer into her and want to rest for a few to just enjoy the goods.

My resolution instead is going to be bringing a new focus to this New Year. A focus on being present.  Being aware and immersed in my moments so that I can fully absorb the gifts, lessons and experiences they intend I receive. I truly think that when we're present, real connections are made. THIS is what matters. And if we work at being present in our relationships, we have a greater ability of bringing our best selves to them. And in turn, receiving the best they hold.

I often struggle with full awareness (hence resolution) as I tend to get caught up with "in the moment" thoughts, feelings and brilliant ideas :-) It's easy to get distracted by internal clutter. As I've recognized and  accepted this in myself over time, I have been able to tame this when needed and even  channel it effectively.  Not always, but..... what I have learned it's as simple as deciding to change your focus.  Being present enough to take charge of them ..... because if I am not, who is? 

So I'm bringing it. Not a new me. Perhaps the real me.....a lil' less distracted and focused on the moments.

Calm.....nowhere to be found

So this lil' blog I gots' going here is intended to capture my calm amidst chaos.  The chaos consists of the ups', downs', ins' outs', highs', lows' and everything in between of life.  I aim to purposefully record and document my "calm" (you know - "well thought out" insight) amongst it all.  Well.....as genuine as these intentions are, my calm is NOWHERE to be found lately.  The chaos is in full effect and dominating everything ......sucking the life out of any calm that I'm so desperately searching for.

It only now dawns on me as I'm planning to share my "sob story" here, that many of my amazing peeps that will even glance at this - will feel absolutely no pity for me. Yet they may, just maybe relate?  So just know that I am not looking for empathy, yet instead a good ol' venting session, so let's pretend there's a glass (or bottle) of wine between us to lighten the mood......

Chaos Contributors:

Temper tantrums, potty training and a big girl bed.  While God has blessed me with a beautiful, bright and loving lil' girl - I am also convinced she is the most trying toddler to date.....EVER. Is this true or am I a wimpy Mom needing to step up my game?  I've concluded it's a little of both (just to give us both credit where due). Tempter tantrums come at every turn, or more precisely anytime ANY thing is needing to be done, that she's not on board with (this is everything outside of sugar and cartoons).  I am doing my best to stay calm, focused and strategize like crazy......yet she still manages to stay one step ahead of me some days.  In addition to the strong independent (sure to translate into success someday) will (yet now translates to the incessant use of "no" and hitting when resistant), I've decided to get even crazier and bring on the potty training!  Fun. stuff. OR NOT.  Truthfully I now realize she was ready awhile back, yet I wasn't and was hoping to hold out until you know, I had nothing better to focus my extra time and energy on :-)  The good news is that the process is moving along quickly. The bad news is that the process involves regular daily laundry, clean up of both #1 & #2 on carpets, furniture and other places it should NOT be, and a constant vigilance of time and liquid consumption.  To top off the "raging party" we have going on here, she decided she was ready for her "big girl" bed (ok I did), after she met me in the kitchen one morning (post climbing out) as proud as can be of her big girl self.  This one I didn't mind......I knew I was living on borrowed time (she's a climber as it is) yet she loved her crib and you know what? So did I.  Now that it's done and we're moving forward the new discovery is - she's also a wanderer........why would you EVER stay in a boring ol' bed when there's a whole room, bathroom, shoot - floor to explore?????  Well I am currently working on reasons, and if you have any to contribute please do so as I am stating my case to her daily. 

Acquisition after acquisition ........ why not - another acquisition?!?!  So many know one or two already, yet few know of all four.  Few know what I even do to be honest (family that is) and in turn, I'm not an expert on what most of my family and friends actually do professionally day and day out either.  None the less, the fourth did me in.  The long story short:  I started as 1 of 20 back in 2007, we bought a company and grew to shy of 100 by 2011, a company them bought us and doubled our size in 2012.......as we just can't get enough, this past fall we decided to place ourselves under the Accenture "umbrella" and I am now simply 1 of 240,000+ globally. CULTURE SHOCK?!  Yes.
This is just working venting ....... constantly changing processes and procedures, 3 benefit enrollment periods in one year, ever changing and more confusing org charts and different expectations - dependent on whomever we're trying to make happy that day.  This is just work biz and MANY of us have it ....... what's yours?  Yes, I'm grateful I have a job. Trust me I AM.  That still doesn't mean I have to like it right?  Between the constant shifting and high demands - added on top of my ALWAYS moving daughter......these people (young and old) are driving me to drink!  (note:  2014 resolution = replace with prayer. Much cheaper and more productive).

Family fun and fevers.  Part of the fun of parenting toddlers and beyond is that you get to live joyfully through their eyes.....as well as through new eyes of your own.  The holidays bring a whole new world of possibilities in way of activities, crafts, seasonal décor and gifts.  While going into this season with high hopes and a solid plan (ok .... so I thought), I somehow only managed to go half of the places I intended, and completed half of the crafts I had in mind (ok ok I lied: NONE) wait - do cookies count?  To be honest I just could NOT keep up.......yes - Cora and I getting the 2 week flu mid month didn't help matters, yet I don't think it would have mattered and perhaps that was an indicator that my "over achieving" fixation was a little ridiculous and needed to be put in check.  Besides - as you are already thinking I'm sure ..... that is NOT what the seasons' about.  So screw you Pinterest.

As we head towards a new year I am still very much on the hunt for my "calm".  Perhaps I will learn/am learning, to seek and savor it differently so that it doesn't seem so distant.  And please don't misunderstand that while chaotic, I'm very much thankful for all the chaos that 2013 has brought.  After all - my trying two year old is the love and light of my life (yes she's that cute it makes up for it all), my job is a means to support a life of abundance,  and all the holiday stuff??? Well that's just silly. Besides, the reason for the season.....family family family. Were it is at.  And yes, I had that the whole season long.....fevers and all.

Be Grateful........

grate·ful

ˈgrātfəl/

adjective

adjective: grateful

1. 1.

   feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.

 

It's that's season...the season of giving thanks.  This Thanksgiving holiday means a ton to me as when I think of being thankful - I interchangeably think of being grateful.  And I am.  Grateful. Thankful.

 

This past year I did a bible study with my Mother titled - Reclaiming Your Joy.  After 10 weeks and much study and thought time, one lesson stuck with me. Being grateful.  Always.  This alone will change your perspective ..... and in turn - change your life.

 

When life turned "chaotic" in the Spring, this stuck with me......and honestly it IS what gets me through (well paired with Family, Friends & wine :-)  It is as simple as this: someone - MANY - have it harder out there than you...than I.  I have no better choice than to be grateful.  This realization on a daily on an hourly changes my perspective. Changes my life.

 

 

THANKFUL.

 

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